Today I am feeling a little better.  It is the first day that I haven't cried...yet!  I am trying to focus on the benefits of us living out here.  For years I have convinced myself that living out here is best for us and in some ways I do feel that way, but there is that other part of me that feels like we'd be better off in ABQ.  But, it doesn't matter because Law has no desire to move back-EVER!  And, his job is here.  Our life is here.  The kids have their friends here.  I have my friends here.  He would probably move for me, but I wouldn't expect him to.  We both have to be on the same page or it doesn't happen.  I am, for the most part, happy here.  He won't be happy in ABQ.  And if he is not happy, I won't be happy. The kids would adjust; they are young, but initially, it would be hard on them. 

 

 I have to remember why I agreed to move out here in the first place - because of them, the kids (and for Law and his career).  We wanted them to have the chance at a better education.  We thought being surrounded by cultural diversity would enrich their lives.  There are so many reasons to love it out here, but there are some key things missing mainly family.  I hate when we we have to come home knowing it will be another year before we see them again.  I hate that my parents are getting older and I am missing this time in their lives as are they with my children and me.  I like to think that if we could visit more often I would feel differently, but I can't be sure.  It is nice for family to come out here, but it is not the same as us going out there.  They are a piece of home, but they are not home.  Plus, I don't get to see everyone.  I miss all of them.  OK.  Broke that streak...I am now crying.

 

I don't like to talk about this ever, but I do feel like this sometimes.  I don't like people to worry about me or feel sorry for me or try to help "fix" me.  I don't want my family to know how I feel because I don't want them to resent Law.  I mean, I DO like it out here, I really do and it was not only his decision to move out here.  I don't want them to give me their thoughts on why I should move there.   I don't want the pity party.  I haven't really said on here what it is that was getting me down because I know people back home read this, but I have to get through this and writing it down is helping me deal.  I am probably repeating myself, but I don't care.  I am working through it in my head and this is the way I operate - going over and over it, again and again. 

 

I guess throughout the year I am OK.  It is mostly after a visit that I feel this way.  Ahh...I just need time.